When it comes right down to it, everything we do in life we “want” to do. No-one “needs” to do anything. You don’t need to go to work and you don’t have to pay your taxes. It’s not a “must” that you go to the dentist once or twice a year. In fact, you don’t even “need” to eat or breathe. The alternative is lots of unhappiness, as well as unemployment, jail, bad teeth and death. But hey, at least you have a choice. You simply have to be willing to face the consequences of your decisions.
What is it that is going to help you find happiness? Is it lots of money, a new car, more vacation time from work, a really satisfying job? All of these things are things we want because we believe they would make us happy. We don’t want more money or more vacation time simply to have them. If you had more money would you put it in a big pile and look at it every day? Would that make you happy? If you had four weeks vacation each year instead of two, would the thought that you have two extra weeks make you happy? Of course not. What we really want are the things more money or more vacation time can give us, namely a better quality of life and the freedom to take more vacations. So really, what it comes down to is that every want in life equates to something that will make us happy, and satisfies our own personal definition of happy.
“Needs”, “have tos”, “shoulds”, “musts”, these are all things that we feel are necessary to do for reasons that are unique to each individual. Unfortunately, when you label something a “should”, you create a built in resistance that makes you not want to do it. These negative labels also make it seem as if we don’t have a choice. “I have to go to work.” Really? Or what? “I have to clean the garage.” What will happen if you don’t?
I challenge you to think of the average “should” or “have to” in your life and see how you feel about them. How many of us have said, “Man, I wish I didn’t have to go to work.” How about, “I really should work out today.” This one is really popular, especially this time of year. Then there are the things you kinda want to do, but still label them a “have to”. “I can’t meet you for coffee, I have to pick up the kids from school.” “I can’t go out tonight, I really need to clean the house.”
Let me ask you this. Do you label things that you “want” to do “shoulds”? I doubt it. If you did, you’d probably say things like, “I really should go to the movies tonight”, or “I really need to go to that concert”. When is the last time you said, “Man, I can’t believe I have to have sex tonight.” (OK, maybe some of you do say that about that last one, but that’s a whole other problem J). As you can see, all of these things are usually things we want to do, not something we feel we “have” to do.
All of the things we want to do have one big thing in common – they all make us happy. If they didn’t make us happy, we wouldn’t want to do them. That’s really the very nature of a “want” in the first place. So I think we can agree that a “want” is something that we believe will bring us more happiness in our lives.
It seems that “have tos” and “shoulds” and “need tos” have a negative feeling to them and are things that we would really rather not do, whereas “wants” are something that we would really like to do. Sound about right?
OK, so here’s the challenge that we’re all facing. How do we find a way to feel happy about the “shoulds” and the “have tos”? Do you see where I’m going with this? Why don’t we just start labeling all of our “shoulds” a “want”? Why not just call all of our “have tos” “wants” instead? If a “want” is something that makes us happy, then if we called everything a “want”, everything would make us happy, right?
But is it really this simple? Let’s test the theory.
Instead of “I have to go to work today”, it’s “I want to go to work today.”
Now, I know what you’re saying. Al, just because I say I want to do something doesn’t make it true. I still don’t want to go to work, I just do it because I need the money.
OK, we already worked out that there really isn’t anything in life (besides die) that you absolutely have to do, you just have to be willing to live with your choices. And we already agreed that a want is something that makes us happy, that’s why we want to do it instead of feeling that we have to do it. So, using this definition, now that we want to go to work, going to work must make us happy, right? Right? Ummm……right? I think I hear a lot of “WRONGS!” being screamed.
Give me a chance to prove that you really want to go to work.
What happens if you don’t go to work? Well, for most people, missing a day wouldn’t be the end of the world. Maybe missing two or even three days wouldn’t matter too much. But we’re talking about stopping going to work altogether. If we’re going to be happy, taking a couple of days off is just not going to cut it.
So, we stop going to work, and low and behold, we get fired. But now at least we’re happy, because we didn’t want to go to work in the first place, right? We really wanted to stay home, kick back, and finally get a chance to rent all of those great movies that have come out on DVD this year. But yeah… now that we’re out of work, we really don’t have a lot of money, so we’ll have to cut out extra expenses like renting DVD’s. As a matter of fact, we need to cut back on lots of stuff, like our cell phone, our cable (especially that Sports package we pay extra for), and eating fast food (damn I really likee me McDonalds while I watch me some 24). Actually, I think we’re going to have to sell the car and start taking public transit (what am I, fifteen?). And that vacation to Mexico I was planning for, forget that, I’m lucky if I can afford to go camping. Oh crap, they just cut off my electricity ‘cause I didn’t pay the bill. No problem, I love candlelight. Let me just see what I can have for dinner that doesn’t require cooking. Mmmmm, crackers and peanut butter again. Man, am I happy I stopped going to work!
OK, I think it’s becoming clear that even if you won’t admit that you “want” to go to work, the alternative is pretty ugly. So, maybe we can all agree that it’s not necessarily the going to work you want, but the lifestyle that the paycheck allows you to have. So if you “want” the lifestyle, then you must “want” to go to work. See, it’s all in how you look at it.
I challenge you to start looking at the things in your life that you think you have to do or should do. Is it possible that they could really be hidden wants masquerading as have to’s? What would happen to your attitude towards some of these things if you simply called them a “want”. Believe me, it’s amazing the power the word “want” has when it’s used as a regular part of your vocabulary. Do your best to start searching for the definition of happiness that will work for you.
So start right now. Come on, I know you really want to.
Be happy. J