Emotions are a powerful force in the life of a human being. I think it’s safe to say that if it weren’t for feelings, there would be no motivating reason to do anything. Pretty well everything we do is for one of two reasons; we do it to acquire more pleasure (happiness) or we do it to avoid pain. This is true of all of the decisions we make from day to day, moment to moment.
What most people don’t realize, or at the very least don’t think about, is that how you feel from day to day is completely in your control. I know, I know, there are people now saying, “Well that’s just not true Al, my kids affect how I feel, my boss affects how I feel, my husband, mother, friends, all of these people make me feel a certain way.”
And I’m here to say you’re wrong. You are in complete control of all of it.
I’ll even prove it.
Let’s say you come home from a hard day at work and the one chore you asked your teenaged son to do is not done – let’s say it’s put out the garbage. He gives you the typical song and dance that he got busy, he didn’t feel well, his girlfriend called, he forgot, etc., etc. This sends you off the deep end and you get angry. “You make me so mad,” you say through clenched teeth and storm out of the room.
Let’s take a look at that sentence. YOU MAKE ME SO MAD. Really? Your son MADE you mad? You mean he had a remote control in his hand and pressed the “Mad” button and made you mad? You mean he reached inside your head and flipped the “mad” switch? Of course he didn’t, that’s ridiculous.
What you really mean is that you got angry based on this particular situation (in this case your son not following through on a chore that was his responsibility).
In reality it was YOUR emotional response to what happened that made you mad. You CHOSE to react a certain way to a specific set of circumstances. In other words, YOU made you mad.
So instead of allowing your emotions free reign over your actions, all you have to do is DECIDE how you are going to feel during any situation.
OK, I know some of you are saying, “C’mon Al, can it really be this simple?”
My answer is that yes, THEORETICALLY it is this simple, but as anyone who has tried to control their emotions can attest, theory and practice are two very different things.
It takes a ton of discipline to face a situation that has traditionally triggered an anger response, and all of a sudden choose not to be angry. The first few times you try this you will more than likely fail miserably. However, the cool thing about any habit that you stick with is that over time it starts to become a little easier.
Of course you have to replace that angry feeling (or whatever negative emotion you would usually feel) with a positive emotion – you will never be successful in this shift if you try and change the old emotion without replacing it with another. The difficulty is in choosing an appropriate emotion that empowers you in a positive way instead of in a negative one.
For example, instead of reacting angrily to hitting heavy traffic on the way to work, you could instead choose to look at it as an opportunity to listen to some music you enjoy since you’re going to be there for a few extra minutes anyways. Or you could use it as a reason to find a new route to work going forward. Since I have a digital voice recorder in my car (everyone should carry one by the way, it’s an excellent way to use commuting time for making to do lists) I take advantage of heavy traffic to record some thoughts on a new article I want to write or perhaps simply a grocery list.
My point is to find a new reaction to replace the old one so eventually the new one becomes the norm and the old negative reaction is eliminated completely and permanently.
A little tip: Choosing to make someone happy that is important in your life is a great way to snap out of the negative emotions and at the same time make yourself happy.
Try this out and let me know how it works for you.
Be happy. J